Dear producers of Glee:
You have so far given us the Madonna special, built an episode of self-empowerment around Lady Gaga, and gave us a quietly powerful interpretation of Fleetwood Mac’s seminal Rumors album. You are clearly into doing themed episodes and next season you may be looking to do more. I know you’re on summer hiatus, which is precisely why this is the perfect time for me to write this to you, so that you can have time to create the plotline and clear the rights.
My humble suggestion to you is to structure your next themed episode entirely around the music of … BJÖRK.
Think about it. Her music, being so over-the-top and unusual, requiring such complex and unorthodox instrumentation as vocal beat-boxing, Inuit throat-singing, drum machines, triangles and full-scale orchestras, are ripe for choral treatment. It would be the ultimate challenge for your show!
Yes, I know you and she tried negotiating rights for a song of hers to be used in the past but it didn’t work. But still, why not entice the pop iconoclast with an entire episode around her music??? And I LOVE that you tried.
Just think of it as Tina and Mike having a weird dream about her when they went out for dim sum and ate too much chicken feet, watched a marathon of Ms. Swan clips from Mad TV, and fell asleep. They wake up, tell everyone about their “weird dreams”, and voila! Mr. Schue gives them all copies of her collected works that he had in high school (which his shrewish ex-wife won’t let him play or listen to, natch) and chooses them all to pick one. Or it’ll just be a bizarro episode like that one black-and-white Felicity episode from 1999.
Here are some brilliant suggestions for each character to sing, and the signature line from each song that would be truest to each character’s essence.
From Rachel to Finn: “Bachelorette”. Rachel is always brimming over with her emotional blood and guts, why not have her utter it literally by shouting “I’m a fountain of blood in the shape of a girl!”? The video drives home the fact that actions can be replicated in perpetuity, like a perpetual motion machine. Rachel and Finn are forever going on about their feelings, as the video for “Bachelorette” clearly shows.
For Kurt and Blaine: “All is Full of Love”. It’s a gorgeous, lush declaration of love. In a time when total dumbass jerks like that crazy church in Kansas City and the clearly unhinged but until recently lovely benign Tracy Morgan go off spouting absolute hatred, we must be reminded that the world is full of love. “All is full love / you have to trust it.” It’s what they need to get by. Check out the clip, which has the distinction of being the first and only music video on permanent display at the Museum of Modern Art.
From Santana to Brittany S. Pears: “Violently Happy”. We all know that Santana is pretty much an emotional powder keg filled with molten-hot, barely-contained lady-lovin’ loin quiveration. Her actions in pursuit of the unresponsive Brit-Brit’s love would only frustrate her and bring out the full violence of her emotional machinations. And I am just itching to hear her shout that she’s “violently happy! Because I love you!”
For Sue: “Human Behaviour”. Her world view may be skewed, but the problem is with everyone else. For her to sing “There’s definitely, definitely to human behaviour” would be deliciously ironic.
For Lauren: “Army of Me”. Her shrieking “AND IF YOU COMPLAIN ONCE MORE YOU’LL MEET AN ARMY OF ME” is a natural. She’s most likely after Santana to have a total nervous breakdown from the frustrations of being in glee club.
Full cast: “It’s Oh So Quiet”. Why? Just watch the clip, and imagine Mercedes doing that primal scream at the end. Really, you do production numbers anyway, and this one is just begging to be used.
Convinced? Are you on the phone with Björk’s record label? Will Matthew Barney make a guest appearance and direct the episode as a performance art piece? Are Kurt and Rachel fighting over who gets to wear the swan dress?
Call me, we’ll Skype it out. Oh, and Björk has a new single due out this month and a new album this year. Get on it!
The Artful Blogger.